“Such a nasty woman.”
Those were the terms in which a nominee for President of the United States described his opponent today at the third presidential debate in Las Vegas, Nevada.
No prizes for guessing who it was.
Billy Bush, of course, is the man who was heard chatting with Trump in the now-infamous video tape from 2005, in which Trump is heard talking about his attempts to seduce a married woman, and saying women let celebrities like him do anything to them, including grabbing their genitals.
Donald Trump’s personal attack on Hillary Clinton
When your relationship isn’t a humdrum affair, then why should your sex life be dull and lifeless? There’s more to a rocking sex life than just simple, great sex.A marvelous sexual connection includes different kinds of sex, even the ones you haven’t dared to experiment with perhaps. Check out the different kinds of love making acts you and your lover can indulge in for a night of passion.
Experimental sex
Couples in long-term relationship often opt for this kind of act as they miss the excitement and lust filled initial-days of their relationship. With time, a couple’s love life loses its zing and to get it back one needs to try new things. “Try pushing the regular comfort zones. It may mean trying a new position or a new room in the house; you can even go for thrilling experiences like making love on the terrace or in the balcony or at some public place.” explains Meera Wahi, married for last nine years.
Couples in long-term relationship often opt for this kind of act as they miss the excitement and lust filled initial-days of their relationship. With time, a couple’s love life loses its zing and to get it back one needs to try new things. “Try pushing the regular comfort zones. It may mean trying a new position or a new room in the house; you can even go for thrilling experiences like making love on the terrace or in the balcony or at some public place.” explains Meera Wahi, married for last nine years.
Necessary sex
Necessary sex can be explained as ‘just-for-the-heck-of-it sex’, which is vital for a long-term relationship to retain its sexual spark. These are your very special, intimate ‘me-time’ moments which relieve stress, burns calories and lift spirits. Supports Mihika, a 31-year-old, new mom, “As a new mom, I am tired most of the times. However, I make special effort to get going in the bed and this makes me feel closer to him. Even if the sex isn’t that good, it feels like the relationship has become stronger.”
Why to try : Necessary sex is all about decreasing sexual anxiety, accomplishing the Big O, and feeling good about your sexual prowess. Experts say that regular physical contact actually tunes the brain into the need to feel emotionally close. By making sex a regular habit, you can open new avenues of bonding as a couple. Moreover, doing it sometimes when you are not in the perfect mood can gear you up for something much hotter the next time around. And most importantly, don’t forget how much a hit-the-roof orgasm does to keep your sex spark bright.
Necessary sex can be explained as ‘just-for-the-heck-of-it sex’, which is vital for a long-term relationship to retain its sexual spark. These are your very special, intimate ‘me-time’ moments which relieve stress, burns calories and lift spirits. Supports Mihika, a 31-year-old, new mom, “As a new mom, I am tired most of the times. However, I make special effort to get going in the bed and this makes me feel closer to him. Even if the sex isn’t that good, it feels like the relationship has become stronger.”
Why to try : Necessary sex is all about decreasing sexual anxiety, accomplishing the Big O, and feeling good about your sexual prowess. Experts say that regular physical contact actually tunes the brain into the need to feel emotionally close. By making sex a regular habit, you can open new avenues of bonding as a couple. Moreover, doing it sometimes when you are not in the perfect mood can gear you up for something much hotter the next time around. And most importantly, don’t forget how much a hit-the-roof orgasm does to keep your sex spark bright.
Bummer sex
Admit it, for it’s something that’s bound to happen. An awkward grunt, a stupid expression, somebody walking in unexpectedly or may be slipping down the bed, all of us can have these embarrassing moments that we would like to ideally forget. Akhil, a 27-year-old choreographer, recollects, “We’d been together since last one year. The last time we were having sex, her roommate just walked in. We didn’t know what to say. Finally I said, ‘Whoops!’ and we laughed our heart out. The voyeurism added to the fire, needless to say.”
Admit it, for it’s something that’s bound to happen. An awkward grunt, a stupid expression, somebody walking in unexpectedly or may be slipping down the bed, all of us can have these embarrassing moments that we would like to ideally forget. Akhil, a 27-year-old choreographer, recollects, “We’d been together since last one year. The last time we were having sex, her roommate just walked in. We didn’t know what to say. Finally I said, ‘Whoops!’ and we laughed our heart out. The voyeurism added to the fire, needless to say.”
Why to try : Don’t fret about imperfect moments in your sex life; just rejoice and hold your lover tight. Your ability to deal with embarrassing situations reflects the strength of your relationship, say experts. Real understanding is about being able to feel at ease with each other in awkward circumstances as well. Emotional presence and trust is the biggest aphrodisiac of all and often provides the sexual thrill which can last a lifetime. React positively to embarrassing sexual mishaps and she will add funny, cute and smart to her mental list of reasons as to why she chooses to be intimate with you.
Vacation sex
A new, romantic locale often allows lovers to rediscover each another in a new light. Amidst trying different platters, adventure sports or checking out a variety of nightlife activities, every evening feels like a special date night. Vacation sexcapades act as a catalyst to reignite the passion in a relationship and make a couple feel more connected. “When on a vacation, you’re at your most carefree best, which means you can try out new things you won’t have to be accountable for at home. We went to Kerala on a friend’s recommendation, and needless to say we had the best sex ever,” shares Sidhartha, a 39-year-old business man.
A new, romantic locale often allows lovers to rediscover each another in a new light. Amidst trying different platters, adventure sports or checking out a variety of nightlife activities, every evening feels like a special date night. Vacation sexcapades act as a catalyst to reignite the passion in a relationship and make a couple feel more connected. “When on a vacation, you’re at your most carefree best, which means you can try out new things you won’t have to be accountable for at home. We went to Kerala on a friend’s recommendation, and needless to say we had the best sex ever,” shares Sidhartha, a 39-year-old business man.
Why to try : Something about leaving the laptop behind, turning the cell phone off and relaxing makes the sex better. Experts say that being in a totally alien environment sparks a sense of adventure and boldness in couples. All of this adds up to stimulating sex, which is more gratifying and more memorable than what couples have at home. Moreover, a vacation is the best place to get ‘sexperimental’. When people encounter new experiences, dopamine spikes in the brain, eliciting a feeling of all encompassing lust. This is one of the reasons a vast majority of relationship counsellors recommend regular getaways as one of the things that can help strengthen your bond.
Make-up sex
There is nothing like engaging in a sexual reconciliation after a long, gut-wrenching argument. The quality of such sex is directly proportional to the amount of time spent apart; courtesy – the phenomenal release of emotions. “After all the screaming and blaming is over and we proceed towards reconciling, I fall in love with him all over again. This after-fight sex gives me the same kick as that ‘beginning sex’ when we first meet. All of that anger is released into passion and it’s like we just want to tear down the place,” admits Mehul, who’s been married for seven years.
There is nothing like engaging in a sexual reconciliation after a long, gut-wrenching argument. The quality of such sex is directly proportional to the amount of time spent apart; courtesy – the phenomenal release of emotions. “After all the screaming and blaming is over and we proceed towards reconciling, I fall in love with him all over again. This after-fight sex gives me the same kick as that ‘beginning sex’ when we first meet. All of that anger is released into passion and it’s like we just want to tear down the place,” admits Mehul, who’s been married for seven years.
. Women have sex for the same reasons men doBecause they can. And then some. Here's a sneaky cure for the 'headache' epidemic.
Basic instincts are anything but basic. If the book Why Women Have Sex by clinical psychologist Cindy Meston and evolutionary psychologist David Buss is to be believed, women and sex have almost nothing to do with love. They have, however, found 237 other reasons. If you thought women were complicated earlier, good luck stroking this one.
After over a thousand interviews, Meston and Buss have managed to fashion a nuanced portrait of female sexuality. Sexual motivations for women are wide ranging — using sex as a defensive tactic against a mate's infidelity (protection); a ploy to boost self-confidence (status); a barter for gifts or household chores (resource acquisition); a cure for a migraine (medication). Somewhere, love finds a mention.
So the question is what makes women tick? Why are Clooney and Saif (for us) and Dilip Kumar (for our mothers) still our mental go-to guys?
Like it or not, it has little to do with your tailored suit and suave haircut and more to do with your genetic disposition and complimentary MHC (Major histo-compatibility) gene complex. In man-speak, that means, she wants you because you're loaded with what biologists call "genetic benefits" and "resource benefits." Genetically speaking, you're the bees knees and any kids produced out of this union will be prime quality. As for resource benefits, let's just say, she married you for the house, the car, the club membership and your ability to protect the aforementioned healthy offspring.
This also explains why certain balding, potbellied men find takers sooner than their well-bodied, charming counterparts. Women are known to give brownie points to loyalty and his ability to provide for the family and not just his ability to spread quality spawn.
According to studies conducted by International Institute for Applied Systems Analysis in Austria, how women select their mate finds merit in the Darwinian theory of survival of the fittest. It can be annoying, but the study states that picky women are actually the key to survival and biodiversity. For example, if all women universally liked tall men, short men would be headed for extinction, or men with small feet would find no place in the world.
As for women in 'love', it can be translated into — security, I won't find anyone like him, good father material, apt provider, self confidence. Carnal sexual motivation however, has more options — Revenge, envy, jealousy, money, barter, guilt, punishment, duty, loyalty, a lesson on loyalty, power and domination, to sometimes, pure evil. In effect, they use sex to express love, and to get it, and to try and keep it.
What good sex means to women in Mumbai
Shobha De, in one of her observations about sex years ago, had said that earlier women just hitched up their sarees, closed their eyes and thought about Dilip Kumar. Has the scenario changed in urban India as increasingly more women find themselves freed from the shackles of guilt as far as getting some good, therapeutic action goes?
Shobha De, in one of her observations about sex years ago, had said that earlier women just hitched up their sarees, closed their eyes and thought about Dilip Kumar. Has the scenario changed in urban India as increasingly more women find themselves freed from the shackles of guilt as far as getting some good, therapeutic action goes?
We spoke to women between the ages of 20-40 and found that while love was a high priority for women, there were several other interesting reasons that prompted them to sleep with men who may not be their knight-in-shining armour. Here are some of the factors that motivate Mumbai's feisty ladies for that spontaneous quickie or a roll in the hay...
Late bloomers
A 26-year-old young entrepreneur giggled as she confessed that it was the best birthday gift she had given... herself. "I was 23 and probably the oldest virgin in the world. At least, that's what it felt like then," she says. "I really wanted to know what I was missing out on." Young women feel the peer pressure if they are the last to be clutching on to their hymens in their group, even if unwillingly. Virginity is finally losing its spot on the pedestal as the greatest gift you can give to someone you love.
A 26-year-old young entrepreneur giggled as she confessed that it was the best birthday gift she had given... herself. "I was 23 and probably the oldest virgin in the world. At least, that's what it felt like then," she says. "I really wanted to know what I was missing out on." Young women feel the peer pressure if they are the last to be clutching on to their hymens in their group, even if unwillingly. Virginity is finally losing its spot on the pedestal as the greatest gift you can give to someone you love.
Dog training
A large number of the women surveyed also described sex as a tool for 'dog training'. Train the penis, and the man will follow, seemed to be the general philosophy.
A large number of the women surveyed also described sex as a tool for 'dog training'. Train the penis, and the man will follow, seemed to be the general philosophy.
A 30-year-old banker said she withheld sex in her marriage when she was displeased, and used it when she was in a pliant mood. "It helps to have owned dogs all your life," she jokes.
Women who want to keep the power in the relationship learn to excel at this very quickly.
Security
A 27-year-old entrepreneur said that her first marriage wasn't promising in terms of sex, but her husband had the right credentials. But in her second marriage, she is crazy about her man even if she earns more than him and he won't fit the bracket of the 'provider'. Other women felt that sex wasn't as important in the larger scheme of things. A good home and status was enough to keep a good marriage going.
A 27-year-old entrepreneur said that her first marriage wasn't promising in terms of sex, but her husband had the right credentials. But in her second marriage, she is crazy about her man even if she earns more than him and he won't fit the bracket of the 'provider'. Other women felt that sex wasn't as important in the larger scheme of things. A good home and status was enough to keep a good marriage going.
Because it's there
When we asked a 27-year-old stylist about her motivations for sex, she asked if it was a rhetorical question. She had a couple of encounters, because, well, they presented themselves. Obviously. "It's like, why the f... not?" she shrugs. What a revolutionary idea. Have sex simply because it's available. It is gaining popularity as a recreational tool, especially when women are between relationships or just plain bored.
When we asked a 27-year-old stylist about her motivations for sex, she asked if it was a rhetorical question. She had a couple of encounters, because, well, they presented themselves. Obviously. "It's like, why the f... not?" she shrugs. What a revolutionary idea. Have sex simply because it's available. It is gaining popularity as a recreational tool, especially when women are between relationships or just plain bored.
The mood lifter
Women in high-stress jobs or those feeling low sang praises for the therapeutic properties of sex. "It destresses me," said a 32-year-old advertising professional. Another attractive furniture designer said there was nothing like sex to lift up her mood when she was bummed out.
Women in high-stress jobs or those feeling low sang praises for the therapeutic properties of sex. "It destresses me," said a 32-year-old advertising professional. Another attractive furniture designer said there was nothing like sex to lift up her mood when she was bummed out.
Sex releases the feel-good hormones and what better way to unwind? And you sleep soundly!
To get it over with
A 31-year-old HR professional says, "Sometimes you just want to get it over with and move on to the list of chores that you need to finish." Women sometimes find it easier to tick it off the to-do list than launch into elaborate measures that involve feigning headaches, or making excuses and then feeling guilty when the partner sulks wearing a permanent hurt puppy look.
A 31-year-old HR professional says, "Sometimes you just want to get it over with and move on to the list of chores that you need to finish." Women sometimes find it easier to tick it off the to-do list than launch into elaborate measures that involve feigning headaches, or making excuses and then feeling guilty when the partner sulks wearing a permanent hurt puppy look.
The United Colors of Benetton experience
Sometimes sex has been a great tool for cultural assimilation, women have found. A young media professional who did a stint in an American university discovered just that. Another banker, a frequent traveler, said that she was always curious. "I'd heard that once you go black, you can't go back. So I wanted to see if that was true," she admits. Curiosity can be a prime motivator for women to experiment sexually. And on holiday, the normal rules don't always apply and the anonymity bolsters confidence for women.
Sometimes sex has been a great tool for cultural assimilation, women have found. A young media professional who did a stint in an American university discovered just that. Another banker, a frequent traveler, said that she was always curious. "I'd heard that once you go black, you can't go back. So I wanted to see if that was true," she admits. Curiosity can be a prime motivator for women to experiment sexually. And on holiday, the normal rules don't always apply and the anonymity bolsters confidence for women.
Infidelity
A young IT professional said that she had cheated briefly in her marriage only once. "But that's only because things were not good in our relationship," she says. Another hairdresser said that she felt betrayed when she found out that her husband had cheated on her. She slept with a close friend and felt vindicated. For the moment.
A young IT professional said that she had cheated briefly in her marriage only once. "But that's only because things were not good in our relationship," she says. Another hairdresser said that she felt betrayed when she found out that her husband had cheated on her. She slept with a close friend and felt vindicated. For the moment.
Fear of losing a man
A PR professional candidly said that once she had sex for fear of losing her boyfriend in the initial stages of her relationship. She thought that he might lose interest and move on to someone who "was going to give him some." The smart men can be cunning and play on a woman's insecurities. Younger or naive women tend to fall for this guilt-trap.
A PR professional candidly said that once she had sex for fear of losing her boyfriend in the initial stages of her relationship. She thought that he might lose interest and move on to someone who "was going to give him some." The smart men can be cunning and play on a woman's insecurities. Younger or naive women tend to fall for this guilt-trap.
Women have needs too
More and more women are cognisant of their needs and refuse to feel guilty about wanting good sex. A whopping 50 per cent of the women said that "they just wanted some" and cited "hormonal reasons". "Hormones have feelings too," said one media professional with a straight face. Two women said they had a friend with benefits. It was convenient and a better than ending up in an arid, sex desert landscape.
More and more women are cognisant of their needs and refuse to feel guilty about wanting good sex. A whopping 50 per cent of the women said that "they just wanted some" and cited "hormonal reasons". "Hormones have feelings too," said one media professional with a straight face. Two women said they had a friend with benefits. It was convenient and a better than ending up in an arid, sex desert landscape.
Rejection and self-esteem
A media professional found herself in relationships with two 'losers' back to back. When she started dating a nice guy, she had planned to 'hold back and make it special'. "The idea seemed overrated very soon," she says. "I needed to break the jinx!'
A media professional found herself in relationships with two 'losers' back to back. When she started dating a nice guy, she had planned to 'hold back and make it special'. "The idea seemed overrated very soon," she says. "I needed to break the jinx!'
A good session that ends on a high note seems to work like a balm for bruised self-esteem. Another young marketing professional, said that when she realised she had dated a loser, she felt such self-loathing that the only cure was to be found in the arms of a man she was wildly attracted to, even if she was not in a relationship with him.
Sex with a new partner also balances off rejection. Women who've been dumped or ended relationships for practical rather than emotional reasons, may find solace without the emotional investment they may not be ready for. As the marketing professional confessed, it makes you feel 'like you're still wanted'.
Men talk and think a lot about sex while womendesire it more often. We explore the reasons...
'Men think, while women desire.' Gone are the days when 'demanding sex' was considered exclusively a man's forte. Today women demand sex greater than men. And they have no qualms about getting vocal about it. "I read these funny E-mail forwards that stress on men begging for sex and women denying it. It sounds so funny to me. It's totally the opposite in my case. While men can have a good laugh over it believing that this notion exists, I literally have to seduce my husband to get him hooked on to the act," quips production assistant Megha Mehra. And she is not alone. Many girls/women had a similar story.
We spoke to women from different backgrounds to figure out what is making them addicted to sex.
It's physically pleasurable
Amongst all the other reasons to remain glued to sex, this is the most prominent one. Good sex satisfies your physical urge, which is very normal for anyone to experience. Psychologist Seema Naina opines, "Sex is the most basic need of any person. And I am increasingly getting cases where women are complaining that men are unable to satisfy their physical needs."
Creates positive feelings about oneself
Ideally, great sex means you are enjoying the sexual act and participating equally. It makes you feel good about yourself, thus adding to your self esteem. Shares housewife Neelam Nehra, "When my husband comes back from a whole day at work and we have our sack session, it increases my self esteem. The very feeling that I am able to satisfy him is a great pleasure. And since I never want to go out of shape to look unappealing to my husband (and other men), it even acts as a motivation to work out and feel desirable." Wondering why?
"Sex has healing powers. It generates positive emotions and makes one feel more confident. When a woman sees her man passionate in the act, admiring her body and moves, it infuses a lot of good feelings within her," opines psychologist Sunaina Bajaj.
Brings them closer to their man
Physical intimacy releases hormone Oxytocin, which is also known as the love hormone. Agreesrelationship expert Vandana Mitra, "I have always maintained that couples should never take sex casually. It's a very important ingredient for any relationship to sustain. It helps couples to nurture the relationship and strengthen the bond." So whoever said having more sex with your partner means lesser cases of infidelity, made sense.
Content developer Prachi Sinha states, "I feel a major connect with my boyfriend after we make love. I just feel like being close to him. My faith in him and our relationship grows stronger." Prachi's boyfriend agrees, "When she told me about the 7 days a week sex, I initially could not stop laughing. I mean, this is not the only thing we have to do. But honestly it has got us closer. I just can't take my eyes off her even when we are moving in a crowd."
Negates unwanted emotions/ Stress-reliever
Sex is not just a physical sensation but it's comforting and relaxing. Call centre executive Neetu Sharma shares her experience, "Whenever I have a bad day at work, sex really helps me unwind. It totally takes the stress out of my mind and makes me feel relaxed and rejuvenated." Psychologist Reena Kapur explains why. "Sex involves a lot of deep breathing and touching and the hormones that are released during the act calm you down."
Great form of exercise
Thirty minutes of sex burns more than 85 calories. We have read it almost everywhere that sex helps in burning calories. Confirms fitness consultant Stuti Batra, "While I do not suggest giving up work outs, doubling up the session makes you drop more weight." While this is the most deadly mix, many girls are seriously taking to it. "It may sound a little funny, but while making love I prefer to play the dominant role. It helps me burn greater calories, leaving my guy in ecstasy," says Payal Verma.
Invokes passion
"Sometimes I feel like a pervert, because I find myself always thinking about my boyfriend, and what we did the night before. It gives me a kick and makes me crave for our next sack session. He thinks I am crazy, but it really happens to me," shares call centre executive Richa Sharma.
"It is completely normal to fantasise about sex. But I have heard it can freak a guy out- we men are still adapting to the concept of women demanding sex more than us. But we love that passion," admits psychologist Prateek.
'Men think, while women desire.' Gone are the days when 'demanding sex' was considered exclusively a man's forte. Today women demand sex greater than men. And they have no qualms about getting vocal about it. "I read these funny E-mail forwards that stress on men begging for sex and women denying it. It sounds so funny to me. It's totally the opposite in my case. While men can have a good laugh over it believing that this notion exists, I literally have to seduce my husband to get him hooked on to the act," quips production assistant Megha Mehra. And she is not alone. Many girls/women had a similar story.
We spoke to women from different backgrounds to figure out what is making them addicted to sex.
It's physically pleasurable
Amongst all the other reasons to remain glued to sex, this is the most prominent one. Good sex satisfies your physical urge, which is very normal for anyone to experience. Psychologist Seema Naina opines, "Sex is the most basic need of any person. And I am increasingly getting cases where women are complaining that men are unable to satisfy their physical needs."
Creates positive feelings about oneself
Ideally, great sex means you are enjoying the sexual act and participating equally. It makes you feel good about yourself, thus adding to your self esteem. Shares housewife Neelam Nehra, "When my husband comes back from a whole day at work and we have our sack session, it increases my self esteem. The very feeling that I am able to satisfy him is a great pleasure. And since I never want to go out of shape to look unappealing to my husband (and other men), it even acts as a motivation to work out and feel desirable." Wondering why?
"Sex has healing powers. It generates positive emotions and makes one feel more confident. When a woman sees her man passionate in the act, admiring her body and moves, it infuses a lot of good feelings within her," opines psychologist Sunaina Bajaj.
Brings them closer to their man
Physical intimacy releases hormone Oxytocin, which is also known as the love hormone. Agreesrelationship expert Vandana Mitra, "I have always maintained that couples should never take sex casually. It's a very important ingredient for any relationship to sustain. It helps couples to nurture the relationship and strengthen the bond." So whoever said having more sex with your partner means lesser cases of infidelity, made sense.
Content developer Prachi Sinha states, "I feel a major connect with my boyfriend after we make love. I just feel like being close to him. My faith in him and our relationship grows stronger." Prachi's boyfriend agrees, "When she told me about the 7 days a week sex, I initially could not stop laughing. I mean, this is not the only thing we have to do. But honestly it has got us closer. I just can't take my eyes off her even when we are moving in a crowd."
Negates unwanted emotions/ Stress-reliever
Sex is not just a physical sensation but it's comforting and relaxing. Call centre executive Neetu Sharma shares her experience, "Whenever I have a bad day at work, sex really helps me unwind. It totally takes the stress out of my mind and makes me feel relaxed and rejuvenated." Psychologist Reena Kapur explains why. "Sex involves a lot of deep breathing and touching and the hormones that are released during the act calm you down."
Great form of exercise
Thirty minutes of sex burns more than 85 calories. We have read it almost everywhere that sex helps in burning calories. Confirms fitness consultant Stuti Batra, "While I do not suggest giving up work outs, doubling up the session makes you drop more weight." While this is the most deadly mix, many girls are seriously taking to it. "It may sound a little funny, but while making love I prefer to play the dominant role. It helps me burn greater calories, leaving my guy in ecstasy," says Payal Verma.
Invokes passion
"Sometimes I feel like a pervert, because I find myself always thinking about my boyfriend, and what we did the night before. It gives me a kick and makes me crave for our next sack session. He thinks I am crazy, but it really happens to me," shares call centre executive Richa Sharma.
"It is completely normal to fantasise about sex. But I have heard it can freak a guy out- we men are still adapting to the concept of women demanding sex more than us. But we love that passion," admits psychologist Prateek.
Traditional marriage (that is, a union between a man and a woman till death do they part) seems to be the subject of a tug of war recently. Same-sex couples around the world are demanding the right to marry. Heterosexual couples, who 10 or 20 years ago would have "had" to marry, are choosing to tie the knot later in life or not at all.
There seems to be a nuptial tectonic plate shift occurring. The only conclusion I can make of this trend is that the way society has viewed marriage for decades is no longer the definitive paradigm. After experiencing all the messy divorces first- or second-hand, the coming-of-age generations (Gen Xers and Yers) have decided to take matters into their own hands and break out of the "one-size-fits-all" mold that we know as traditional marriage.
According to American Demographics Magazine and the 2009 Census, we are now seeing that single heads of household and single women adopting children are among the fastest growing demographics in our country.
Greater numbers of couples are having children out of wedlock, living together, separating and never divorcing, marrying later, choosing same-sex marriages and open marriages. Many more people are marrying more than once. The societal "shoulds" seem to be losing their grip on us.
A 2010 Pew Study revealed that nearly one in four people under the age of 30 believe that marriage is headed for extinction. This same study showed that 80 percent of those surveyed believed there to be wider parameters around what defines a family than the husband, wife and 2.5 kids -- it can be single fathers or mothers with children, unmarried couples with children and married couples without children; it includes gay and straight couples as well.
While I don't think traditional marriage will (or should) go away completely, I do believe we need to take a serious look at adding other options that fit more with the lifestyles we have evolved into.
In 2002, Pamela Paul wrote a groundbreaking book that presented the novel idea of having what she called, a "starter marriage." This legal union would be a first marriage for couples in their 20s or early 30s who know they would not have children and who did not necessarily expect the nuptials to last a lifetime. Much like a learner's permit for driving, a starter marriage would be a way for young people to "play house" without risking their entire lives.
The book did not make much of an impact in our social norms. Nearly a decade later, most people have never heard of a starter marriage. More mainstream terms include domestic partnership, common law marriage and civil unions.
Many states in the U.S. have implemented some type of civil union to accommodate same-sex couples, but the federal government does not recognize these as legitimate marriages. Additionally, under the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act, other states are not required to recognize the informal unions.
Vermont was the first to enact a law recognizing civil unions in 2000. Then Massachusetts and Connecticut. New Jersey followed suit a few years later, then New Hampshire in 2007 and Illinois in 2010.
California, Washington, Oregon, Maine and Washington, D.C. provide straight and gay couples with domestic partnership rights. This all appears to be movement in the right direction.
But let's take a look at what occurred in France when they decided to add a less formal option of marriage. In 1999, marital laws were amended to include a legal civil union (called PACS -- pacte civil de solidarité) as an alternative to traditional marriage. Like the others that states in the U.S. named earlier, PACS was created to accommodate gays who were fighting for equal marriage rights throughout the country.
Just over a decade later, France has surprising statistics: For every three marriages among straight couples, there are two civil unions. More and more French couples are opting for this less restrictive option -- this includes those who are not sure they are ready for a lifelong commitment, those who have already been married and don't want to go down that road again and there are those who are younger and don't believe in the ideology of traditional marriage (many of these young people have parents who are divorced).
Unlike conventional marriage with long, drawn out divorce proceedings, all it takes to end a civil union is a registered letter.
In 2010, a couple in Austria made headlines by demanding the right to a civil union that had previously been available only to same-sex couples. Helga Ratzenboeck and Martin Seydl stated that they didn't want a traditional marriage and insisted that the law allowing gays to have a "registered partnership" should apply to them as well and be blind to gender and sexuality.
Believe it or not, this option is actually similar to the way couples married and divorced in Greco-Roman times. The Greeks and Romans had several levels of marriage ranging from the very informal (a couple who cohabited for a year and a day was considered married) to the very formal (requiring witnesses and a vow-exchanging ceremony).
If we added a less formal civil union as a viable alternative to anyone wanting to be legally recognized as family, I believe it would actually strengthen the institution of marriage and that it would reduce the numbers of divorces in this country.
With traditional marriage as the only existing legal option for couples to enjoy financial benefits such as tax breaks and insurance coverage, people who are not be motivated by the lifelong commitment may opt to marry knowing they can divorce if or when the marriage stops being viable.
While I realize there is no quick fix or any alternative solution that wouldn't then cause a new set of problems, I think it's worth exploring the possibilities.
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